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# Couples Therapy Exercises: What to Try and When to Get Help

Understand what couples therapy exercises are for, try three voluntary conversation practices and learn when a qualified therapist should guide the work.

Swooni Team · 7 min read · October 3, 2026

The editorial and research team at Swooni

![Two people talking on a sofa, one holding an open book](https://images.pexels.com/photos/5699824/pexels-photo-5699824.jpeg?auto=compress&cs=tinysrgb&w=1600)

Couples exercisesTherapyCommunication

## In this post

1. [What makes an exercise part of therapy?](#what-makes-an-exercise-part-of-therapy)
2. [Before you begin, agree what either person can stop](#before-you-begin-agree-what-either-person-can-stop)
3. [Practice one: turn a complaint into a clear request](#practice-one-turn-a-complaint-into-a-clear-request)
4. [Practice two: check what you heard before solving it](#practice-two-check-what-you-heard-before-solving-it)
5. [Practice three: make a plan that includes both needs](#practice-three-make-a-plan-that-includes-both-needs)
6. [Use a worksheet to remember, not to build a case](#use-a-worksheet-to-remember-not-to-build-a-case)
7. [When to bring the work to a professional](#when-to-bring-the-work-to-a-professional)

## Worth keeping in mind

- Know the purpose of an exercise and whether it needs a therapist’s guidance.
- Practise one modest conversation voluntarily, with room to stop and disagree.
- Judge the next step by safety and usefulness, not completed worksheets.

> You open a worksheet after another difficult evening. The first question looks simple. Then your partner answers, and suddenly you are having the argument again.

Couples therapy exercises are tools a therapist may choose for a particular couple and purpose. A worksheet on its own cannot decide whether the conversation is safe, notice what you are avoiding or help when the exercise goes wrong. You can still practise small, ordinary conversations at home. The useful starting point is knowing which kind of help you are actually using.

## What makes an exercise part of therapy?

The Gottman Institute describes an assessment process that informs the work couples do in Gottman Method therapy. The couple and therapist also agree the frequency and duration of sessions. That context matters: the same question can be useful for one couple and poorly timed for another.

Ask a therapist, “What are we practising, and why have you chosen this for us?” You should also understand what to do if the task becomes distressing and whether it belongs in the session or between appointments. Completing every box is not the goal.

The three practices below are original editorial suggestions for everyday disagreements. They are not validated treatment protocols, a substitute for assessment or instructions for processing trauma, betrayal or abuse. If a therapist has given you different guidance, discuss suitable practice with them.

Source:[The Gottman Institute: assessment and couples therapy](https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/)

## Before you begin, agree what either person can stop

Choose a modest subject while you both have capacity: an unclear arrival time, a missed household task, a weekend plan. Ask, “Would you like to try talking about this now?” A reluctant yes obtained through pressure is not a useful starting point.

Agree that either person can pause, decline a question or stop. No recording, compulsory eye contact, required touching or demand to share private history. Put away the worksheet if you start arguing about who is doing the exercise correctly.

If saying no leads to threats, intimidation or punishment, skip joint exercises and seek confidential specialist support. The Hotline explains that disclosures in couples counselling can be used against someone by an abusive partner. A better script cannot make coercion safe.

Source:[The Hotline: why joint counselling can be unsafe with abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/)

## Practice one: turn a complaint into a clear request

Gottman’s softened start-up guidance involves raising a concern without attacking your partner’s character. Keeping a legitimate complaint specific can make the issue clearer. It does not require you to pretend you are unhurt or guarantee a kind response.

Try writing three short parts: what happened, how it affected you and what you are asking for. “We agreed to leave at six, and I waited without an update. I felt stranded. Could you message me if the time changes?” This gives your partner something concrete to answer.

The other person can accept, explain a limit or suggest another workable arrangement: “I can message before I start the journey, but I cannot promise an exact arrival.” Check whether the proposal addresses the actual problem. “Be more considerate” gives you much less to work with.

Review the wording together only if that feels welcome. Do not use this practice to police someone’s tone while ignoring what hurt them. A clearer request still deserves an honest response and, where needed, accountability.

Source:[The Gottman Institute: softening the start of a conversation](https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/)

## Practice two: check what you heard before solving it

Pick one recent, ordinary moment. One person describes what mattered to them; the other reflects the meaning and asks whether they understood. This is an editorial listening practice, not a requirement to agree with every interpretation.

“When you changed our Saturday plan, I felt that my time did not count.” A possible reply is: “The difficult part was that I decided without checking with you. Have I got that right?” The speaker can correct it: “Yes, and I had already rearranged something.”

Then switch. The second person may have a different experience, and both accounts deserve room. Avoid adding “but here is why you are wrong” to the reflection. Understanding comes first; a factual disagreement can still be discussed afterwards.

Finish by identifying what remains unanswered. You might understand the hurt and still need to decide how plans are changed. That is a useful distinction, not evidence that the exercise failed.

## Practice three: make a plan that includes both needs

PACT founder Stan Tatkin describes caring for yourself and your partner at the same time. Use that principle as a question about an everyday arrangement: “Does this plan leave room for what each of us needs?” The negotiation here is our example, not a PACT therapy protocol.

Suppose one person wants quiet after work and the other wants contact. Name the needs before choosing a solution: “I need some time without conversation” and “I want to know we will have time together.” Neither statement automatically decides the schedule.

One possible agreement is a quiet arrival followed by a conversation after dinner. Either person can suggest something else or decline. Being considerate does not make your body, attention or availability permanently owed to someone.

Choose one occasion to try the arrangement and a time to review it. Ask, “Did you get the quiet you needed? Did our later conversation feel possible?” Change the plan if it did not fit. Do not turn a missed attempt into a score for who cares more.

Source:[Stan Tatkin: caring for yourself and your partner at the same time](https://www.thepactinstitute.com/blog/secure-functioning-essentials-taking-care-of-yourself-and-your-partner-at-the-same-time)

## Use a worksheet to remember, not to build a case

If writing helps, use four headings: the moment we chose; what each person wanted understood; one agreement; what we will review. A sentence under each is enough. You can also speak the answers and keep no record.

For the Saturday example, the agreement might be: “Before changing a shared plan, ask rather than announce.” The review asks whether that happened and what made it difficult. Keep interpretations separate from facts, and do not preserve a catalogue of everything your partner did wrong.

Agree who can see any notes and whether you want to keep them. Do not upload a partner’s disclosures to an app or AI tool without their agreement. If a worksheet comes from your therapist, ask about its purpose, privacy and how to bring back concerns.

## When to bring the work to a professional

If every attempt returns to the same painful argument, or distress is affecting everyday life, seek a qualified practitioner rather than adding more exercises. You can say, “We need help understanding what happens between us when we try this.” An unfinished task is useful information to bring.

Ask about couples-specific training, experience with your concern and how suitability for joint work is assessed. The NHS advises checking an appropriate professional register when finding private counselling in the UK. Elsewhere, check the relevant local credentials and rules.

You can seek individual support if your partner does not want to participate. Where abuse or coercion exists, prioritise confidential specialist help. If there is immediate danger, contact local emergency services when safe to do so.

Source:[NHS: counselling and finding a qualified practitioner](https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/counselling/)

Quick answers

## Frequently asked questions

Can we do couples therapy exercises at home?

You can try voluntary everyday communication practices at home, or work agreed with your therapist. Home practice alone is not couples therapy. Avoid attempting trauma work, serious betrayal processing or unsafe joint discussions from a worksheet.

What if my partner does not want to try an exercise?

Accept the refusal. Ask whether another time or kind of support would suit them, without making participation a test of love. You can reflect on your own behaviour or seek individual professional support.

How do we know whether an exercise helped?

Ask whether each person felt able to speak, decline and understand the next step. A useful result might be one clearer request or identifying that you need professional help. There is no required score or promised timeline.

Evidence and further reading

## Sources behind this post

Open the original research and expert resources referenced above.

- [The Gottman Institute: assessment and couples therapygottman.com](https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/)
- [The Gottman Institute: softening the start of a conversationgottman.com](https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/)
- [Stan Tatkin: caring for yourself and your partner at the same timethepactinstitute.com](https://www.thepactinstitute.com/blog/secure-functioning-essentials-taking-care-of-yourself-and-your-partner-at-the-same-time)
- [NHS: counselling and finding a qualified practitionernhs.uk](https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/counselling/)
- [The Hotline: why joint counselling can be unsafe with abusethehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/)

## Start with one everyday conversation

Explore an optional question when you both welcome a little practice. Try Swooni together.

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Written by Swooni Team

The editorial and research team at Swooni

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