“The basil has finally grown a leaf,” your partner says from the kitchen. You are trying to find a missing receipt. “Good,” you answer, without looking up. The plant was barely the news. They had a small delight and wanted someone to share it with.
Bids for attention are attempts to make contact: sharing something funny, asking for company or reaching for reassurance. Not every remark has a hidden meaning, and you are not expected to decode your partner perfectly. You can notice a possible invitation, ask what they want and answer with the attention you actually have.
What Gottman means by a bid
The Gottman Institute describes a bid as an attempt to receive attention, affection, affirmation or another positive connection. It may be spoken or unspoken. Turning towards begins with recognising that invitation and responding to it.
In the kitchen, the surface topic is a plant. The possible invitation is “Enjoy this with me.” That is a possibility to check, not a translation you should impose. Your partner might simply be reporting that the basil has survived.
Three responses, without turning them into personality labels
Gottman’s framework distinguishes turning towards, turning away and turning against a bid. These describe responses in a moment; they do not diagnose either partner.
Turning towards means acknowledging the invitation positively. Turning away means missing it or being unresponsive. Turning against means responding negatively. A distracted miss and a cutting remark are different, even if both leave someone disappointed.
Four everyday bids and answers you could try
Use these examples to recognise possibilities, then ask rather than assume. The right response depends on what your partner actually wants and whether you are available.
- An ordinary discovery: “Look at this tiny leaf.” If you can, look and share the interest: “You kept it alive! Show me.” You do not need to become an expert gardener to enjoy their pleasure.
- A shared memory: “That song was playing on our first trip.” You might say, “I remember the terrible sandwiches. What made you think of it?” Leave room for their version of the memory.
- A request for company: “Are you making tea?” If the meaning is unclear, ask, “Would you like a cup, or shall we sit together for a bit?” A practical question can stay practical too.
- A difficult moment: “That meeting was rough.” Try, “Would you like to tell me about it, or would something else help?” A bid for comfort does not automatically ask you to solve the problem.
When you cannot give attention now
A kind answer can include a real limit. “I want to hear this, and I need to finish this form. Could we talk after dinner?” offers information rather than half-listening. Only suggest a return you can reasonably keep.
PACT founder Stan Tatkin describes simultaneous care: considering your own needs and your partner’s together. Here, that could mean protecting your concentration while acknowledging their wish for company. This is an everyday application of the principle, not a PACT therapy exercise.
If later does not work for them, accept that too. You can look for another time without making either person justify their capacity. A partner who wants solitude, has a deadline or declines touch is not automatically turning against you.
Source:Stan Tatkin: caring for yourself and your partner together
Make your own invitation easier to hear
You may hope that someone who loves you will recognise every hint. Still, “I would like your company for a few minutes” gives more information than a sigh from the other room. Directness can make the next choice easier for both people.
Try naming the kind of contact: “Could you celebrate this with me?”, “I want to tell you something funny,” or “Can you listen without advice for a moment?” You are allowed to want attention. Your partner is allowed to answer honestly.
Do not set a secret test and record whether they pass. A delayed reply, a missed joke or an unnoticed expression cannot tell you the whole story about someone’s care. Ask what happened before assigning a motive.
Return to a moment you missed
Repair can be brief: “You tried to show me something earlier and I was distracted. Do you still want to share it?” Name your part without adding a defence, then let your partner choose. Their enthusiasm may have passed.
If your response was unkind, own that separately. “I snapped when you asked for company. That was unfair” addresses the behaviour. Listening later does not erase the need to apologise or change a repeated pattern.
Make the return visible. Put down the task when you have agreed to stop, ask about the specific thing and let the answer finish. Avoid demanding immediate warmth as proof that your repair worked.
When the pattern needs a bigger conversation
If reaching repeatedly ends in dismissal, explain the pattern through a recent example: “When I shared my news yesterday and the conversation moved on, I felt alone. Could we discuss what attention looks like for each of us?” Ask about both people’s experience.
One person cannot carry all the invitations, noticing and repair indefinitely. If both want to change a persistent, distressing pattern, qualified relationship support may help you discuss it. If speaking honestly brings fear, threats or coercion, prioritise confidential specialist support rather than a shared exercise.
The language of bids must never excuse insults, pressure for sex or demands for permanent availability. Responding with care does not require abandoning a boundary.
Try one clearer moment, then leave the scoreboard out
Choose an ordinary moment when you both have some capacity. One person makes a clear invitation; the other responds, asks a question or gives an honest limit. Afterwards, ask: “Did you feel understood, and was that manageable?”
Keep what helped. If the invitation was unclear, make it more specific next time. If the timing was poor, choose another opening. This is a small conversation experiment, not a relationship test or a promise of a particular outcome.
The basil will probably produce another leaf. Next time, you might notice that someone is offering you a little piece of their day.
