“I felt lonely,” your partner says. You can hear an explanation, but you are still waiting for the part where they explain the choice they made.
Why do people cheat? Research into reported motivations offers several answers, not one explanation for every affair. A reason can help you understand a choice without excusing it or making you responsible for preventing it.
Research finds more than one reported motivation
Selterman, Garcia and Tsapelas surveyed 495 people about their infidelities using an internet-based questionnaire; most participants were young adults. Their 2019 paper reports several distinct motivations, extending beyond explanations based only on dissatisfaction with a relationship.
The published abstract describes anger, neglect and sexual desire, alongside lack of love, low commitment, esteem, wanting sexual variety and situational factors. These are participants’ reported motivations and research categories, not diagnoses or a list for identifying why any particular person cheated.
These self-reports do not prove causation, diagnose a partner or make somebody else responsible for preventing another breach.
Source:Selterman, Garcia and Tsapelas: reported motivations, published abstract (2019)
Keep the feeling and the decision in separate sentences
A person might feel lonely, dissatisfied or attracted to someone else. The next question concerns their choices: what commitment did they understand, what did they do, what did they conceal, and what alternatives did they have? A difficult feeling does not answer those questions on its own.
Nonconsensual sexual contact is not a choice to cheat. RAINN explains that consent must be voluntary and that sexual violence is never the survivor’s fault. If that is the experience involved, seek support for that harm rather than accepting an infidelity accusation.
“I wanted more attention” differs from “I chose to pursue another relationship and hide it.” An accountable explanation can include both. It can also recognise alternatives: raising a concern honestly, declining outside involvement, discussing different terms before acting or ending the relationship.
The betrayed person can listen without accepting responsibility for the breach. A difference in desire does not create a duty to provide sex. A request for reassurance does not remove privacy. If someone cannot offer the relationship terms agreed, they remain responsible for addressing that honestly.
Source:RAINN: voluntary consent and support after sexual violence
Ask what the explanation changes in practice
In an original example, Ben says, “I liked feeling admired.” Nadia answers, “That helps me understand what you wanted. I still need to know why you told me those meetings were work, and whether they are continuing.” She is asking about relevant conduct, not volunteering to become his permanent source of admiration.
Ben’s responsibility includes a truthful answer. “You should have noticed I was unhappy” shifts the work back to Nadia. “I knew our agreement and chose to conceal the meetings” names the choice. Neither wording guarantees that trust will return; Nadia can remain unsure or decline further conversation.
If both freely want to consider repair and conversation is safe, ask for an actual change rather than a larger speech: “What will you do when you want something our agreement does not allow?” An answer should describe choices within the speaker’s control, not promises that their partner must never disappoint them again.
Decide what information serves your next choice
You may want to know whether contact continues, which commitments were broken or what consequences affect you. You do not need to ask every intimate detail to take the breach seriously, and truthful information should not depend on guessing the perfect question.
If a possible sexual-health exposure concerns you, seek appropriate healthcare privately. An article cannot determine risk or choose tests. For consequential money, housing or parenting decisions, obtain qualified local advice rather than assuming a relationship conversation settles those matters.
You can also say, “I do not want to discuss your reasons today. I need practical information and space.” Understanding the entire story is not an entry requirement for boundaries, individual support or leaving. The related after-betrayal guide starts with those immediate needs.
Let support preserve choice rather than hurry reconciliation
A qualified practitioner with relevant experience may help you consider persistent distress or difficult decisions. Ask about their training, scope, confidentiality, approach and costs. Individual help is available without requiring a partner to participate, and attendance is not proof that future choices are settled.
Where abuse, threats or coercion are present, The Hotline warns against joint counselling because disclosures can increase risk. Seek confidential specialist support independently. The Hotline serves the US; use an appropriate local service elsewhere and a safer contact method if monitoring is possible. Contact local emergency services in immediate danger.
Reasons can be understood without being accepted as excuses. What happens after “I felt lonely” still belongs to the person who chose it.
Source:The Hotline: why joint counselling during abuse can be unsafe
