Understand emotional intimacy, recognise everyday signs of closeness and try a welcome way to connect without pressure for touch or sex.
You know their coffee order. Do you know what has been weighing on them this week?
Intimacy in a relationship includes feeling known, sharing what matters and choosing closeness freely. Emotional intimacy concerns your inner life; physical affection and sexual connection are other possible forms. You may have plenty of one and miss another. Start by naming the kind of connection you want, rather than asking your partner to guess what “more intimacy” means.
The Gottman Institute describes emotional intimacy through trust with personal thoughts and feelings. Its account of connection includes respect for differences, empathy and friendship. These are useful things to notice, rather than a score that certifies a relationship.
You can share a disappointment without being mocked. Your partner remembers something that matters and asks about it. You can disagree or decline affection without punishment. You enjoy a joke that belongs to the two of you. These are everyday examples, not a checklist everyone must perform identically.
Research context: The Gottman Institute: emotional connection and attunement
Emotional attunement involves attending to your partner’s experience and responding with understanding. Gottman’s guidance emphasises listening before trying to fix a feeling. You do not have to agree with every conclusion or read someone’s mind.
When your partner says, “Nobody noticed the work I did,” try: “You wanted your effort recognised. Have I understood?” They may correct you: perhaps they wanted help, not praise. Ask what would feel useful now. The correction is information you can use, not evidence that you failed to care.
Research context: The Gottman Institute: emotional connection and attunement
If touch is difficult or unwanted, choose another way to spend time: share a piece of music and why it matters, talk while preparing food, or send a thoughtful message when apart. Ask which option feels welcome instead of prescribing one.
Try this original conversation exercise: each finish “Something you may not know about my week is…” Share only what you choose. The listener reflects what mattered and asks one curious question. Afterwards, ask whether the conversation felt connecting or too much. There is no required level of disclosure, eye contact or physical affection.
RAINN explains that sexual consent must be voluntary and ongoing, can be withdrawn, and is specific to the activity. A relationship, a previous yes or one kind of contact does not establish permission for another.
Apply respect for choice to everyday connection too. “I would like company, but not a hug” is a complete preference. Accept it without requiring an explanation or substitute. When partners want different things, discuss the difference at a separate, calm moment; do not make the person declining contact manage your disappointment.
Research context: RAINN: consent, boundaries and trust
Distinguish little opportunity for company from unresolved hurt or a change in desire. A busy couple might protect time together; a hurt partner may need accountability before another invitation feels welcome. Avoid assuming that less sex means less love.
The NHS lists relationship difficulties, stress, some medicines and health conditions among possible causes of low sex drive. If a change concerns you, seek qualified healthcare advice. Do not change prescribed medicine on your own. Pain during sex also deserves medical advice, not pressure to continue.
Research context: NHS: low sex drive and when to seek help; NHS: getting help for pain during sex
An intimacy app can offer questions for a voluntary conversation. Check whether prompts can be skipped, personal answers kept private and non-sexual options chosen. A result or completed activity cannot establish consent or replace clinical care.
For persistent distress, consider qualified support. If honesty could bring threats, coercion or abuse, seek confidential specialist help instead of a shared intimacy exercise. The Hotline advises against joint counselling with an abusive partner because disclosures can be used against the person experiencing abuse.
Research context: The Hotline: risks of joint counselling with an abusive partner
Quick answers
It is closeness involving trust with personal thoughts and feelings, feeling understood and receiving care. It does not require telling a partner everything or agreeing on every subject.
Yes. Chosen conversation, shared humour and thoughtful attention can offer connection. Ask what each person welcomes; these options need not be a route towards physical contact.
Prompts can help you begin a voluntary conversation. Check privacy, skip options and cost. An app cannot provide consent, diagnose a difficulty or replace medical or therapeutic care.
Evidence and further reading
Open the original research and expert resources referenced above.
Choose one bid for connection and give it your full attention. Try Swooni together.
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